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If Your Water Heater Could Tell You How It Feels

Dear Homeowner,

Hey, it’s me. Listen, it’s been nine years, and there’s something you should know…

When you moved in with me, it was obvious that we had a connection. Back then we had so much promise. I knew that you were the one I would grow old with. I knew that from that day forward I would do whatever it took to support you, and fulfill your hot water needs. For years I have done nothing but my best for you, working around the clock to make sure there was always hot water ready for you. Although we cannot always be together as I seem to be stuck in the basement, I have still been by your side. When you’re washing the clothes, you look so good in, cooking those delicious pasta dinners, or taking those long steamy showers... I have always been there for you, working overtime to keep your water piping hot.

Since then some things seem to have changed. I know you loved me for the longest time, but as time has passed, you started to take me for granted. Every time you turned on the tap you knew I would provide, not thinking of the work that went into that hot water. Not even once have you ever had me serviced. Not even a water heater inspection! As a matter of fact, 5 years ago you upgraded your kitchen AND bathroom without even giving me a second glance. Let me remind you that without me, your ‘buddies’, the dishwasher, the faucets, and even that shower you seem to spend more time with than I, would be nothing without me and my hard work. I am the most important appliance in your home, yet, it seems you rarely ever think about me and never seem to visit anymore.

That’s fine, I get it. I never thought you were malicious, or even mean for that matter, but because of your neglect, I’m dying, and there’s no one else to blame. I’m not saying I could have lived forever, but a little love goes a long way.

Why? Why couldn’t you have done some maintenance from time to time? You might not feel the same way anymore, but I wanted our time to last. I wanted to be with you, grow old with you, and ultimately, show you how much you mean to me...

And don’t for one minute tell me I haven’t been communicating with you. I know you aren’t getting as much hot water as you used to, I’m speaking to you the only way I know how. My capacity to provide for you is being replaced by scale and hardness from your hard water. Remember when I locked out last January from overheating because you hadn’t checked my fresh air intake? I’m pretty sure my message was loud and clear. You had to call in a plumber to see what was wrong, I felt kinda bad that you had to spend your hard earned money on me, but it was so nice to get some attention for once. Water heater maintenance can be easy, all I ask is that you look after me as I have you. It takes two, it takes two.

Now my time is coming to an end. That sizzling you can hear when I fire if you could even be bothered to come down and check on me. It isn’t my burning desire for you... It’s a breach in my hull..., I’m dying and don’t have much time. Promise me when you move on with another hot water heater, that you will check in from time to time to make sure everything is okay.

I don’t know why I’m even telling you this. I should just rupture all over the place, and destroy all that stuff you hold so dear. I should let all my hot water spray out everywhere and flood your basement. I should make you as unhappy as you have made me...

I’m sorry, that’s just the anger speaking. I know the end is near, its just so hard to accept this, especially when some simple maintenance could have kept us together longer. Some of my friends are living with families that have water softeners, those guys are probably going to live twice as long as me! But no amount of maintenance or soft water can help me now.

Just think, once I’m gone, you can go ahead and get yourself that slimmer, fancy looking tankless water heater you’ve had your wandering eyes on. At least they’re easier to service, and in doing so, it will have the long life with you that I wanted. Just do me a favour and get a water softener this time, trust me, your new water heater will thank you.

My heart is broken. You could have prevented this.. I think it’s time for me to leave you. There’s no going back now, and if it were up to me, I’d pack my bags and get out of here. But, I’m stuck here, so I’ll just keep dripping until I split wide open.

Either way, it’s over.